My New Favorite Song

People I'd Like to Fuck (If Only They'd Have Me): Leo Allen

A few weeks ago I saw an episode of Michael and Michael Have Issues, which reinstated my love for a certain sexy comedian, more specifically Leo Allen. I first saw Leo Allen on his Comedy Central Presents (back when he was in Slovin and Allen), and then I saw him live when he opened for Demetri Martin a couple of years ago and he was hilarious (and also super sexy).

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Leo Allen was born (according to imdb) on November 21st 1972 in Middleboro, Massachusetts. He started performing comedy in the late 90s, when he met his comedy partner Eric Slovin. He wrote for SNL from 2002-2005, which I believe was a pretty good era for SNL (at least slightly better than it is now). Also he currently hosts Whiplash, a show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre in NYC (which I've sadly never seen). However, I'm not going to focus on the fact that he's funny in this post (which he obviously is). I will be focusing on his straight up hotness.

First off, he's very much my type (black hair, check, glasses, check, pale skin, check, nice layer of fat, check, casual man clothes, check). Secondly, check out his Adam's apple. Seriously that is one sexy Adam's apple. I could kiss that Adam's apple all night. I've never been that attracted to an Adam's apple before, nor have I said "Adam's Apple" so much. Adam's apple.

However, if I were to meet him in real life, there would be so many problems. First off, he shares a first name with my brother. I just couldn't call him Leo. I could call him Allen, if he didn't mind, but he probably would.

Secondly, he is a Scorpio, and from what I understand, Scorpios don't mix well in romantic situations because we would be suspicious of each other and constantly jealous and fighting.

So sadly, Leo Allen must stay in my dreams, where his name is Geoff. Because that's the best way to spell Geoff.

Cooking on the Internet: Bruschetta Chicken Bake

This week I've chosen another recipe from Kraftfoods.com (how can I resist recipes that involve so much cheese?), the Bruschetta Chicken Bake.

Ingredients:

1 can of diced tomatoes, undrained

1 package of Stove Top Stuffing Mix for Chicken

1/2 cup of water

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 1/2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into bite-sized pieces

1 tsp. dried basil leaves

1 cup 2% Milk Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

First things first, heat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit (you don't have to do this right now, and I sure didn't do it first, but then you have to wait for the stupid bastard oven to heat up, and who the fuck wants to do that?). Did you heat your oven? Great, now it's time to do some prep work!

Next mince the garlic (which you may have already done, since the ingredients say that the cloves should be minced, so me telling you to mince the garlic is kind of redundant), open the can of diced tomatoes and the package of stuffing and put all that stuff in a big ol' bowl along with the water. Now mix it. Mix it good (well, until the stuffing mix is "moistened").

Now that your stuffing is mixed, put the chicken into your casserole or baking dish. Now sprinkle the basil on it (I also put salt, pepper and oregano on at the request of my mother, but it is not in the original recipe and I'm pretty sure the Kraft Kitchen Gods are mad at me for doing it). Then comes the CHEESE!!!!!! CHEESE!!! GLORIOUS, WONDERFUL, MOTHERFUCKING CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so now you've got your cheese on there, get your stuffing/tomatoes/garlic mix and layer it on there. After this I put on more cheese, but I am a cheese whore.

Now that that's done, stick it in the oven and cook it until the chicken is done (the recipe says 30 minutes). Then you end up with this gorgeous thing:

It tastes pretty good too. Kind of pizza-y.

Megan Wants A Millionaire Episode 2: Big Surprise, Megan Loves Gifts!

So this episode begins in the Business Center (which is full of "business stuff"), because Megan wants her men making money. But soon after they all get called down by Megan to celebrate "Valentine's Day," and by that she means "I WANT GIFTS. SO GIMME." Garth thinks he's got this in the bag. Yeah, the douchebag (oh snap)! On a table, there's a variety of art supplies and some are using that stuff to help make their gift. Francisco is going to make her a meal, Nervous Al is just going to give her a check and hopes she's not offended, and Big Mike is going to put together a "masterpiece" with some of his "associates." Shaun is going to cover himself in sushi and present himself to Megan (unfortunately this tends to only work with naked ladies). Garth has written a song called "Sex Mode" (see, he does have it in the douche-bag). It turns out Big Mike's "associate" is some kind of dress dealer, so it's all legit.

So now it's time for the presentation! Francisco presents his meal wearing only an apron, some underpants and a smile. Nervous Al goes up and gives Megan a card and a check for plastic surgery for $8,000. She seems excited, and she says she's not offended, so good going Al. Alex (who thinks he's kinky and interesting, but he doesn't get too much screen time, so you never know) gives her lingerie which turns out to be far too big for Megan. Ryan wants to appeal to all of Megan senses including her mouth and her brain. Megan knows these aren't senses but fogives him because he's so cute. Joe gives her a bikini that says trophy wife. Matt makes cupcakes (haha, he's kind of chubby). Corey (another bore with little face time) writes down his feelings and presents them to Megan. "Next!"

Now it's time for "The Punisher!" He comes out wearing chaps and weird leather stuff. His ass is hanging out and Megan loves it.

Uh-oh, it's Shaun's turn, and it involves nudity too! So he's laying there, with sushi all up on him, and his underpants are inside out (such a turn on!) and it doesn't go that great. Then Vodka Guy gives her some vodka. David gives Megan a fake passport with the places he wants to take her. Big Mike gives her some dresses and she fucking loves it. Uh-oh, it's Garth's turn. This is going to be gross. So he does a gross dance to his gross song wearing a gross Ed Hardy t-shirt. Megan does not "like the fact that he is touching himself." The three to get a date with Megan are Shaun, Big Mike and Nervous Al! And they are going skiing! However, Garth is pissed. He goes to Megan and asks why she didn't like the song. The answer should have been "because it was gross," but she says "it's not that I didn't like the song, it's that I wanted something more romantic than a sex song." Garth tries to slow the song down and sings it to her acapella (because that makes a song called "Sex Mode" less creepy) and he starts to realize that Megan is not into him.

Moving on the the winners, they get to customize their date by buying stuff for Megan and they totally want to make her happy. They are given some choices, Al and Shaun split all three gifts, but Big Mike wants to do something different. Uh-oh! It seems that Shaun's card has declined! Shit! He needs to call the company. Al pays for the whole thing, which is just emasculating.

Garth kind of sees that Megan is not really into his whole greasy douchebag thing and he wants to leave. Garth goes down and says to Megan "your credit is denied." Megan is pissed, not because he's a catch, but because she is awesome and he sucks. How can a 5 deny a 10?! Megan tells him he is lucky to be there, that he should suck it up and that he'll get a kiss from her when he deserves one. He stays, and I'm really hoping it's just so Megan can serve up some justice at the end.

So it's date time! Al and Shaun are having a weird thing, and Al is not giving Shaun any of the credit (which he doesn't much deserve because he didn't pay for anything).

So they are skiing, and Big Mike's never skied before! Sounds like hi-jinks will ensue! Al gives Megan her next present, and Shaun is kind of pissed that he's not getting any credit.. Mike gives her some gloves, and Shaun is just empty handed and sad. So they do a bit of skiing, and a bit of wiping out, and they go and get some alcohol. Mike tells Megan some cute stuff and she's happy with it. Al gives her another present, from Tiffany's!!!! Then he tells her about Shaun's card being rejected! Uh-oh. Shaun is going to be mad. Megan confronts Shaun about it and Shaun tries to be as diplomatic as possible so it doesn't look like he's broke.

They return to the big ol' house and Megan wants to have some face time with Joe. Joe shows his love for Lily and Megan asks him if he's had any girlfriends. Joe doesn't really answer, and Megan implies that she thinks he's gay (like I did last week! Oh, Megan, we're so alike! Oh-no!).

Elimination time! Al feels confident, and Mike should feel very confident because Megan comes out in the dress he bought (and she does some poses in it!). Al gets the first card and he's happy about it! Then some boring guys got there card (snooze! next!) Garth doesn't know why anyone would get rid of him (I could give him many many reasons, one being Sex Mode). Megan has her mad face on and tells him that she's disappointed in how he wants to give up. She tells him he is lucky to be there, but his luck has run out and his credit is declined! Thank you Megan!!!! No more creepy face! No more douchey faces!!!! I'm so happy! Now it's Joe's turn, and Megan tells him that they don't have a love connection, but a friend connection, Joe says he can step it up and gives her a weird kiss. Megan says he can stay. Now it's Shaun's turn, and Megan doesn't like the way he handled the gift situation. She declines his credit (again, hahaha) because she needs a man "with a valid credit card and a backbone."

So goodbye Shaun, we hardly knew ye. And goodby Garth, we knew you all too well. One more creepy face for the road?

Euugh, stay classy Garth.

Trailer Reviews: August 14th

District 9

Plot: A sci-fi movie where alien visitors to Earth have been pushed into alien ghettos in South Africa.

Preliminary Thoughts: The involvement of Peter Jackson (who has directed such famous sci-fi films as Bad Taste and Dead Alive), makes me very interested in this film.

Trailer:

It has a sort of Children of Men feel, but I'm not sure if it's really exciting enough for an action movie.

Ponyo

Plot: Hayao Miyazaki's latest U.S. release focuses on a 5 year old boy and a goldfish princess and their crazy adventures.

Preliminary Thoughts: I've liked many of Miyazaki's other movies, so I can only assume this will be good too. However, with the voices of Miley Cyrus's sister and the Bonus Jonas, I have a feeling that I may want to wait for the dvd so I can just watch it with subtitles (although by doing that I would miss out on Tina Fey).

Trailer:

Wow, this is the cutest thing ever! For serious. I think Tina Fey needs more of my money.

Bandslam

Plot: Some teens form a band and enter a battle of the bands. But two of these teens are Disney stars.

Preliminary Thoughts: This is going to suck more than anything has ever sucked ever, and I'm only talking about the trailer.

Trailer:

It's like Almost Famous, but way worse. "SA5M," but the 5 is silent. Wow. Poor Lisa Kudrow. Remember when she was in Romy & Michelle? Poor Lisa Kudrow.

The Time Traveler's Wife

Plot: A romance about a man who travels in time spontaneously for some reason and the woman he keeps leaving behind.

Preliminary Thoughts: As someone who loves time travel, I'm interested. As someone who's never seen The Notebook, I'm skeptical.

Trailer:

I still don't know what to think. It's sweet, but it looks depressing too.

Paper Heart

Plot: Charlyne Yi's sort of documentary thing about love.

Preliminary Thoughts: The idea is kind of cute, but I feel like it's going to be too twee.

Trailer:

It's too twee and kind of pretentious-looking if I have to judge by just the trailer. And I really hope that the little girl who thinks Applebees is romantic isn't the funniest part of the movie.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Plot: Used car salesman is hired by a failing dealership to try and make more profits and to prevent Ed Helms from taking over.

Preliminary Thoughts; This is going to be bad for many reasons, two of which are the title (which sounds like a porno if I'm being honest) and its star Jeremy Piven, who is about as likeable as a piece of shit dressed as Adolf Hitler.

Trailer:

Poor Ed Helms, not only is he in this stinker of a picture his hair looks awful. It's ok Ed, we all know you've got to work.

It Might Get Loud

Plot: A documentary on the electric guitar featuring Jack White, The Edge and Jimmy Page.

Preliminary Thoughts: I like music as much as anyone, but I think this may be a very esoteric movie that will only appeal to a very specific community that I am not really apart of.

Trailer:

It looks cute and fun, but there are definitely going to be moments that only guitar nerds will appreciate.

Spread

Plot: Ashton Kutcher plays some kind of cougar hunter.

Preliminary Thoughts: DO NOT WANT

Trailer:

I can't believe I sat through that. Remember what I said about Jeremy Piven? Well Ashton Kutcher is less likeable than that. He is about as likeable a monkey on cocaine who is also your housesitter. And the monkey has brought monkey guests who are also on cocaine.

Grace

Plot: After miscarrying her child, a woman insists on carrying the baby to term for some reason. When the child is delivered, it returns to life, but has an appetite for human blood.

Preliminary Thoughts: This plot is sort of Teeth meets Rosemary's Baby. It sounds interesting enough.

Trailer:

It's probably quite scary, but the trailer has made me less interested. The premise is interesting, but I'm not sure if the film will be very good because the trailer was kind of boring.

So if I'm going to recommend anything, it's going to be Ponyo because it appears to be the only sure thing.

Unsolicited Solutions: Nickelodeon Edition

I have something to say that I am very ashamed to admit: I watch iCarly. I'm not proud of it, it's not a good show, but because of that and similar shows I have reference points in which I can write this article on how Nickelodeon can stop sucking already.

Problem the First: Format

Nickelodeon shows are very 90s. And not in a good way. The formats and jokes shows like Drake and Josh and True Jackson: VP use are straight out of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, in other words they are about as fresh as a ten year old sun-dried diaper. That's not to say that things from the 90s aren't good, shows like Clarissa Explains It All and Kenan and Kel are still satisfying when you watch them now, but television has changed so much since the advent of reality television and the internet that these formats have finally flattened.

Solution: Contemporize, Man!

Shows like Arrested Development and The Office are considered to be great sitcoms because they don't use the standard three-camera setup, and their situations aren't stereotypical.

Suggestion One: The Clique - A Mean Girls-type sitcom that takes place in a suburban high school in California, and involves a girl trying to survive high school while avoiding the wrath of the popular clique.

Suggestion Two: Help, My Dad's the President - True Jackson VP meets The Office. A mockumentary sitcom about a President, lets call him President Oswald, and his three kids. It would be all about the kids getting into trouble and having to deal with being isolated from normal children because of their father.

Problem the Second: Where are all the game shows?

Nickelodeon used to have tons of game shows! GUTS, Double Dare, Figure it Out, and a shit load more. What the hell happened? People still like game shows, and kids still like being on tv, so where are all the game shows?

Solution: Game shows, people!!!

Game shows are both cheap and effective. There's never a shortage of people who want to be on game shows, and kids on game shows don't even want to win money! They just want video games, portable dvd players and Build a Bear Workshop gift certificates!

Suggestion One: Cranium: The TV Show - Based on the popular board game, Cranium features all sorts of fun game show activities for the children, such as trivia, drawing crap and spelling words!

Suggestion Two: The Physical Challenge - Like Double Dare, but only Physical Challenges. All involving slime.

Problem the Third: Shitty cartoons.

No offense to the people who work in the Nickelodeon animation department, but no one wants to watch Barnyard or the Penguins of Madagascar. The only animated shows people watch on Nickelodeon are Spongebob Squarepants and The Fairly Odd-Parents. Seriously, those are the only good in-production Nickelodeon cartoons. This was never always the case. What happened to Doug, The Rugrats, Rocko's Modern Life, Angry Beavers, KaBlam!, Hey Arnold! and tons of other awesome cartoons? They were replaced by crap, thats what happened!

Solution: Fucking good cartoons!

What Nickelodeon programming executives don't realize is that people want to watch good cartoons, not stuff based on films. What we need is good, well-written cartoon comedy.

Suggestion One: Pups!

Like the Rugrats, but with dogs! Who talk to each other! And the owners can be kooky characters, like two middle-aged marrieds who constantly fight, and a wacky old lady! And their Angelica can be a cat!

Suggestion Two: The Murphy and Bob Show

Murphy and Bob are some kinds of animal (TBD) who are also roommates. One's messy, one's clean, one's uptight and one's outta sight! Will shenanigans and hijinks ensue? Most definitely!

So there are my ideas. Nickelodeon will never take them, because they are obviously afraid of being awesome.

People I'd Like to Fuck (If Only They'd Have Me): John Oliver

I'm going to start this post with a frighteningly crazy statement: John Oliver is my imaginary boyfriend. Which is why he is the subject of the first of a multi-part series, "People I'd Like To Fuck (If Only They'd Have Me)."

John Oliver was born on April 23, 1977 in Birmingham, England, United Kingdom, making him British and a Taurus, which are both awesome. Mainly the British thing. He grew up in Liverpool and later attended Christ's College in Cambridge, which explains two reasons why I love him: his accent and his intelligence. He was the Joe Biden to Richard Ayoade's Barack Obama in the Cambridge Footlights from 1997 to 1998 (and by that I mean he was the vice president of the student organization and Ayoade was president, I don't believe they were working on Barack Obama impressions back then. But if they were, that would be some pretty impressive future predicting.)

After graduating from Cambridge, he began doing stand up. In 2004, he began doing radio shows with current Bugle co-host Andy Zaltzman. In 2006, he came to the United States to work on The Daily Show, where he soon became my imaginary boyfriend.

I would totally sleep with him for many reasons. First off, I can't resist a British accent. Well, I can, but combined with Oliver's good looks, intelligence and quick wit, I would simply be putty in his arms. His big, strong, hairy arms.

In addition to all of these things, he dresses very well in my opinion (striped sweaters and button up shirts are kick ass.) In addition to these things, he has great respect for women, as demonstrated many times on his weekly podcast with Andy Zaltzman, The Bugle, and a great talent for small parts (his lines on the episodes of Green Wing and My Hero he was on steal the show, but that is my extremely biased opinion). He is also the only reason to see the Love Guru (he is a revelation as Dick Pants and awesome in that scene in front of the airport Cinnabon).

So in conclusion, John Oliver if you're out there, I'd like to fuck you.

Cooking on the Internet: Cheddar Chicken & Rice Skillet

Welcome to the first part of my weekly series in which I will cook a recipe I found on the Internet. This week's recipe is Cheddar Chicken & Rice Skillet, courtesy of kraftfoods.com

Ingredients:

1/2 cup Kraft Light Zesty Italian Dressing (I used the regular version and not the light version)

1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips

2 cups instant brown rice, uncooked

1 1/4 cups fat-free reduced sodium chicken broth (Again I just used regular chicken broth, because I don't care about my arteries)

1 green pepper, cut into strips

1 1/2 cups chopped tomatoes

1 cup Kraft 2% Milk Shredded Mild Cheddar Cheese

1/2 cup sliced green onions

The first thing I did here, was I chopped up all the vegetables and measure out all the stuff.

Then, heat the Italian Dressing in a large skillet on medium heat. After a little bit, add the chicken.

Mmm, raw chicken. Let the chicken cook and then stir it around for a little bit. Then it is time to add the chicken broth, rice and sliced peppers.

It may not look like much now, but it is shaping up to be awesome. Bring it to a boil, then cover it and turn the heat down to low and let it simmer for 5 minutes. When the chicken is nicely cooked and the rice is soft and tender, turn off the heat and let it stand covered for 5 minutes.

After 5 minutes passes, it is time to add the good stuff, the green onions, the tomatoes and THE CHEESE!!! THE GLORIOUS CHEESE!!! (as you can tell, I motherfucking love cheese).

Stir it all up together until it becomes all combined and melty and awesome (the recipe doesn't say to do this, but I turned the heat back on for about 45 seconds to help with the melting process). And, ta-da, you've got food!

Although my mom thought that my chicken "didn't looked cooked enough," it was still pretty awesome (and the chicken was cooked, mom! Food does not have to be almost burnt to be cooked!). Not only is it nutritious (it has vegetables and lots of calcium) it is delicious (it is completely covered in cheese!).

Perez Hilton, Gay Rights Activist or Homophobic Gossip?

Before I write this, I want to say that I totally read Perez Hilton's blog. Almost daily. That being said, Perez Hilton is a horrible, horrible person, and as a I have been a regular reader for years, I should know.

Firstly, he is horribly misogynistic (or at least his ghostwriter is). He really hates women. If you look at any of his posts you can see this strange disrespect in his posts. He tears women young and old apart like a bunch of 8 year olds tear into a pepperoni pizza. His direct victims are often young girls without fully developed coping mechanisms. He honestly has no problem calling 15 year old girls fat ugly sluts. And when these vulnerable teens turn into troubled young women, he has no problem calling them fat ugly drug addicted crazy has-been sluts. And his treatment of older women is no better, even the slightest bit of aging or the tiniest smidgen of sexual freedom is treated by him as a curse on humanity. I'm not necessarily defending the actions of every woman he ridicules, but they certainly don't deserve to be branded with the infamous white semen drops.

In addition to his treatment of women, his treatment of homosexuals lacks a certain amount of compassion one would expect from an openly gay man. Certainly, he does his part to promote gay rights, but for every step forward he takes, he takes a huge leap backward with his treatment of gays in the media. Believe me, as a long time reader of Perez Hilton's blog, I can tell you that calling Will.I.Am a f-word is definitely not the first homophobic act Hilton has ever committed (for example, he likes to claim that certain male stars like Zac Efron have "gay face," and in this recent post he asks if a man with a half buttoned teal shirt is "gay or European"). Not only does he feel the need to out those who may just be waiting for the right time to do so, he also feels the need to ridicule certain gay men and women who don't meet his standards, for example posting pictures from Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black's sex tape and then basically ridiculing him only months after praising him for his Oscar win.

But the real victims of Perez Hilton are not Miley Cyrus, Denise Richards or Lance Bass, it's the non-famous women and men, both gay and straight. Perez Hilton sends messages that consistently promote gender stereotypes. I'm not saying that Perez Hilton should send better messages because as a gay man he should represent all minorities and should fight for everyone's civil rights and equality. I'm saying he should send better messages because as a human being he should fight for everyone's equality. He pretends to want equality for everyone, but he is willing to treat certain people as less equal than others by turning them into cartoonish figures to be ridiculed for their inability to be completely perfect. By taking someone like Lindsay Lohan and dehumanizing her to such a point where it's OK to point and laugh at her when she's obviously intoxicated and passed out in the front of her friend's car he dehumanizes everyone who's ever been so drunk they've done something stupid in public. When he forces someone like T.R. Knight or Neil Patrick Harris to come out of the closet before they're ready, or alleges that a celebrity is possibly gay even though he or she may actually not be, he confuses teenagers more than they are already confused about their own sexuality and he takes away the humanity of these poor people by making a very important decision for them.

Why do people stand for this? Because Perez Hilton is nothing new. Gossip by nature is about establishing gender roles and social norms. All Perez Hilton is doing is regurgitating every social norm that has been drilled into him throughout his life. After all, he is just a person like everyone else, and there are very few who are completely impenetrable by the 1950s stereotypes of the gentile lady, the manly man, the butch lesbian and the flamboyant gay man. This is why so many people read his blog in the first place, the nastiness is so familiar and common place to all of us. Many people are thinking the horrible things he says, from "Lindsay Lohan is a whore" to "Zac Efron has gay face." This is why TMZ and VH1's Celebreality shows are so popular, we all like to drag others down to make ourselves feel better. His view points are extremely conservative, but they are shown in such a vulgar way they are mistaken for liberal. In fact, if he wasn't gay, Perez Hilton might have become the biggest conservative pundit since Rush Limbaugh.

So, who is really to blame for Perez Hilton, Mario Lavandeira, or society? Really, they both are. Hilton was indoctrinated with these values as a young child, most likely, but he makes no attempt to change and probably has no ability to recognize the ideas of gender roles and sexual norms behind his words. He may very well believe himself to be a very liberal, progressive and unprejudiced young man, but he has many miles to go before his vision of himself can actually be realized. Even if the posts on perezhilton.com don't come from him, he still puts his name on and takes credit for them, which is a stamp of approval if I've ever seen one. If he really wants to be seen as an equal to others despite gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity or creed, then perhaps he should treat people the way he wants to be treated. I know that's a very kindergarten teacher thing to say, but it's the level of maturity that such a person should be handled with.

As Seen on TV vs You Have Been Watching: Who Wins? I Decide.

There are many awesome things that British television has to offer. One of these things is the panel show. For those who don't quite understand the format, here's how a panel show works: celebrities compete in a sort of game show, sometimes they are in teams, other times not. The main goal in a panel show is not to get points for correct answers, but to get laughs for funny answers. The best known shows in this format are the BBC quizzes Never Mind the Buzzcocks and QI, both of which are huge in both the ratings and youtube hits. There have been many themes for panel shows, ranging from Sports (A Question of Sport) to Politics (Mock the Week and Have I Got News For You), but there is a very obvious panel show theme that has never been made: television. British TV producers noticed this, and now there are two: BBC One's As Seen on TV and Channel 4's You Have Been Watching. Of course, as with any two extremely similar things, there can only be one left standing, so the question is which program is better? (Note: it's going to be You Have Been Watching, I'm just using this as an opportunity to drag As Seen on TV through the mud as far as I can)

Hosts:

As Seen on TV is hosted by Steve Jones, whom I've really never heard of. According to Wikipedia, the Spout of Truth, he is a Welsh presenter/actor/model. His on screen persona is as bland as his name, although he's trying to come across as snarky, he actually comes across as smug as boring.

You Have Been Watching is hosted by the better well known Charlie Brooker, whose claims to fame include writing Nathan Barley and Dead Set, hosting BBC Four's Screenwipe and Newswipe, and writing a regular column in the Guardian. Despite looking rather ordinary for a television personality (ok, he's rather ugly. Sorry, Charlie. I'd still do you.), he is extraordinarily smart, witty and engaging.

Winner:

You Have Been Watching clearly has the better host.

Panelists:

As Seen on TV has a team format, with two captains, or regular team members. They are well known tv presenter Fern Britton and award winning comedian Jason Manford. Britton is really not suited to this type of show, and even though Manford tries his best to punch up what he has to work with, he too falls flat. In addition, the other panelist featured on this show are lackluster and unfunny at best (for example, Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen and Denise from Eastenders.) The funniest panelist this show has had in its short run was comedian Peter Serafinowicz and not even he could make the show entertaining.

You Have Been Watching has more of a QI format (i.e., no teams) and its guests have been more suited to the panel format (for example, Frank Skinner, Frankie Boyle, even former pop star Jamelia is more suited to the format than fucking Denise from Eastenders).

Winner:

You Have Been Watching has the better panelists.

Format/Questions

As Seen on TV is more of a straight quiz, the panelists pick a category, Jones asks a question, and they get it right or wrong and someone gets points. This would be fine, if this was a regular quiz show and not a panel show. The opportunity for comedy is very rare, and when it does come up it is usually wasted.

You Have Been Watching has more of a Buzzcocks format, and contestants are given as much time to be funny as is possible, rendering the program more enjoyable for viewing.

Winner:

You Have Been Watching (obviously).

So in conclusion, You Have Been Watching kicks As Seen on TV's ass (or as the British say, "arse") and will continue to do so for the remainder of time. Also, As Seen on TV has one of the most obnoxious set designs that I have ever seen. Fuck you, As Seen on TV!

Megan Wants A Millionaire Premiere

OK, so as many people know, I love Megan Hauserman. Possibly without a stitch of irony.She's surprisingly smart, easily imitatable (all you need is a slurred Mid-western accent) and super fun! And now she has her own show! So I am super excited. So without further ado, let's get to the recap (and also my first post!):

So Megan is standing by her front door, waiting to greet her 17 suitors. Whom I will go through now.

1) TJ "The Vodka King" His entrance impressed Megan, mainly because he makes Vodka.

2) Shaun "The Southern Gentleman" He apparently kind of bores her at first sight.

3) Big Mike "The Investor" The narrator leads us to believe that he's in the mafia. Megan's gonna love that. Why do people always think private investors are in the mafia?

4) Garth "The Plumber" Creepy. Right off the bat, he's creepy. He's dressed creepily (in what appears to be a colorful Ed Hardy Leather Jacket), has creepy hair and he says creepy things. For example, "she shot me with that lazy eye and I was like, 'fuck, this bitch is fine as fuck up close.'" Stay classy, Garth.

5) Joe "The Trust Fund Baby" I don't mean to offend, but is he really there for Megan? Because he seems kind of... "flamboyant." If you know what I mean. Oh, and he has to pee.

6) Donald "The Producer" He too seems a little... "flamboyant" but he is also creepy. Like dirty old man creepy. He likes to use phrases like "banging body" and "smoking hottie." He kisses Lily, the dog. This is the only action that he'll get. At least I hope so.

7) Alex "The Swinger" Apparently he thinks he's wild.

8) James "The Baby" He's 25, so he's the baby. And he says hi to the dog.

9) Audi "Big Dog" His name is Audi, like the car. But he doesn't own an Audi, he owns a Cherokee. This guy's totally going to impress Megan.

10) Al "The Nervous Guy" He say hi, and walks in. That's it. Megan says, "that was weird."

11) Shurae (?) "The Punisher" This guy is too muscly for me, but I have a feeling that Megan is going to be impressed. Apparently people call him "the Punisher."

12) Sex Toy Dave (I'm not making this up) "Internet Entrepeneur" A little short, and kind of looks like that guy that pops up in Adam Sandler movies a lot. Also he sells Adult Products on the Internet.

13) Matt "The Pro-Wrestler" All we learn about him during his intro is that he's looking for a princess. (Some people need to be skipped over, this is only an hour long show!)

14) David "The World Traveler" He's from Dallas and wants to take Megan shopping! Yay! SHOPPING!

15) Corey "The Hot Shot" Apparently thinks Megan is the one for him, and hopes she's prepared for the next chapter of her life. NEXT!

16) Francisco "The Latin Lover" He's from Columbia and speaks Spanish. That's all we learn, so I guess he's the token Latino?

17 Ryan "The Smooth Operator" He's Canadian, but that doesn't mean he's not creepy. Because he is. He's creepy. He whispers to Megan "you're going to love Canadian bacon." Which I assume is code for, "you're gonna suck my dick and like it, bitch!"

So thems the guys. Off the bat, you can spot the winners and the losers (coughGarthcough). But just in case Megan has a hard time with that, she's got reinforcements!!!!!

It's Brandi C!!!

And this chick!!!! (Her name is Cecil, but I will continue to call her "this chick," because I don't fucking know her.)

They walk into the house to greet the "millionaires" together, and everyone's excited. Mainly Donald, who's got his eyes trained on Megan "like a LAZER!"

But enough of that, it's time for Megan to get to know her "millionaires" and to give them gifts! Yay! Highlights include a glittery piggy bank (which goes to Joe) and message oil (which goes to Nervous Al, and it's very important that we remember both gifts because they come back into play later). Also it turns out that The Punisher is a Millionaire Stripper! What?! Oh, and we get to see some of Garth's creepy faces. And Donald is "psychic" which means he can "mesmerize Megan into falling in love" with him.

Now it's time for the one on ones! Double yay! First up is Audi who creeps Megan out with his talk of "hump game" (?). Then David is talking about shopping. Again. You've gotta admit, he knows what she likes. Oh, and then Francisco takes off his shirt because he's intimidated by the Punisher or something. So then the Punisher takes his shirt off, and he's got a birthmark on his mid-section, which according to Megan looks like "a map of Cuba."

Here comes the funtimes, because Brandi and the other chick are trying to convince Al to massage Megan. Triple awkward yay! So Al's giving Megan a foot massage, and Garth tries to get in on it, but does not succeed. Oh well.

Al notices her tattoo and asks if she's double jointed (I'm not sure how those two things connect though.) Then Al does something ridiculous involving Megan's finger and his jaw (big old question mark there), and ends up spilling Megan's drink all over her. And boy is she upset. To quote Megan "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" She is PISSED! But the show must go on, so she cleans herself up and continues her party. Al asks for forgiveness, and Megan says she'll think about it, which I hope means no forgiveness for Nervous Al.

Then it's Shaun's turn, but as soon as it starts Donald asks for some alone time with Megan. The first thing Megan wants to know is if she could be in movies. He sets up a scene between Megan and James the Baby. James the Baby kisses Megan (which really upsets Donald), but it's apparently horrible (so nothing to worry about, Donald!). After this, Megan has a little chat with Sex Toy Dave about his worldwide sex toy business. Apparently he's the King of sex toys, and he wants Megan to be his queen.

Here's another great scene, where Brandi and the other chick ask James if he really has the money he's supposed to be getting. They ask him questions, and he proceeds to say to each question "no I don't, well basically I do, but I don't." For example, Brandi asks "do you live at home" and he says "No, well, yeah right now." Poor James. No money means no Megan.

Finally, Megan talks to Canadian Ryan, who seems to let on that he's using Megan for a Green Card. On the plus side, he tells Megan that if they get married there would be no pre-nup. Megan is obviously intrigued. You can tell from the gold tint the editors used.

So now off to the contestant interaction portion of the show. Donald and Joe are talking about movies, and Garth is being a creepy dick and making creepy faces and doing creepy voices. A bunch of dudes tell Garth to smash the glittery piggy bank, and Joe is very upset. Garth continues to be a creepy dick.

Well after that drama comes the elimination deliberation, in which Megan discusses with Brandi and the other chick what she should do. The ladies think Ryan is a "player" and they don't think that James is really good for the money.

Elimination time, and Donald makes an NSYNC reference, which proves that he's totally hip to our jive despite his advanced age. Megan is going to be giving out credit cards to her suitors, and say a cheesy line about credit. So first come the obvious people, Ryan, Corey, The Punisher, etc. Every time someone comes on down to the Price is Right (oh wait wrong show) Garth makes one of his creepy jerk-off faces. Megan makes a "baby" reference, which makes James think he will be picked, but it turns out it's Joe. But Megan wants to know where the glittery piggy bank is! Joe tells her about it, and although she seems a bit pissed, she still gives him a card. WTF Megan! You gave Garth a card! He better not make it passed week 3, or we are going to have to have a talk missy! And then Donald makes another pop culture circa 1999 reference, which is making him seem real young and cool. He's totally rad. Anyway, she eliminates James and Audi quickly, and narrows it down to Al and Donald. Donald is too much of a fan (code for, "eww, old man!") and Al is a drink spiller. And the eliminated man is....DONALD! She's just not that in to him. And then he quotes Lady Gaga. He's super hip. And Al gets his card, but he's got to watch himself.

So now that the first episode is over, here are my thoughts on the contestants:

Winners:

The Punisher and Ryan the Canadian are the only ones who stand out to me as possible winners.

Losers:

Garth has got to go. If he's not gone by next week, Megan will be making a big mistake.

The rest are kind of unremarkable. Alex doesn't seem too bad, neither does Shaun, but they did not get too much in the way of screen time.

Trailer Reviews: August 7th

Julie & Julia

Plot: Julie is an office worker who is watching life pass before her, so she decides to change her life with two powerful things: food and the Internet. Inspired by Julia Child, she takes a magical path to self-discovery and success.

Preliminary Thoughts: I don't even have to watch this trailer. Amy Adams, Meryl Streep, and food? I am so in. But in fairness to the other films I will watch the trailer.

Trailer:

This looks like lots of fun! The other movies are going to need monkey robots from outer space in order to beat this. Even then, they don't have chocolate cake.

Shorts

Plot: Toe Thompson discovers a wish granting rock and it causes a stir in his small suburban town.

Preliminary Thoughts: WTF? Toe Thompson? Wish granting rock? I get that this is a kids' movie, but WTF?

Trailer:

Apparently his name is Toby, not Toe (thanks imdb!). But, yeah, this looks dumb as hell.

A Perfect Getaway

Plot: Two couples on a Hawaiian vaction discover that psychopaths are stalking and murdering tourists on the island.

Preliminary Thoughts: Wait a second, isn't this basically a slightly changed version of Turistas?

Trailer:

Well this looks stupid. Next!

Cold Souls

Plot: Paul Giamatti plays an actor (named Paul) who feels unfulfilled, so he goes to an organization that will store his soul for a while.

Preliminary Thoughts: Imdb describes this as "Kaufman-esque" and I guess I can agree, but will it be as good as something from Charlie Kaufman. That is the question.

Trailer:

This actually looks sort of interesting. Perhaps I will see it.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Plot: It's a movie, based on a series of toys. Oh and they are fighting to stop something or something. I really don't care.

Preliminary Thoughts: I'm pretty sure that I won't like this. I don't even have to see the trailer to know this is going to be stupid.

Trailer:

Explosions! Crashes! CGI! Guns!

Yeah, I'm not seeing this.

So the only films I can recommend this week, based on the trailers alone, are Julie and Julia and Cold Souls. However, I'm sure that everyone is going to see G.I. Joe, because America loves explosions and unoriginal plots. Way to go, America! I'm just kidding, you know I love you. Keep up the good work, what with all the cheese and meat and such.