Megan Wants A Millionaire Premiere

OK, so as many people know, I love Megan Hauserman. Possibly without a stitch of irony.She's surprisingly smart, easily imitatable (all you need is a slurred Mid-western accent) and super fun! And now she has her own show! So I am super excited. So without further ado, let's get to the recap (and also my first post!):

So Megan is standing by her front door, waiting to greet her 17 suitors. Whom I will go through now.

1) TJ "The Vodka King" His entrance impressed Megan, mainly because he makes Vodka.

2) Shaun "The Southern Gentleman" He apparently kind of bores her at first sight.

3) Big Mike "The Investor" The narrator leads us to believe that he's in the mafia. Megan's gonna love that. Why do people always think private investors are in the mafia?

4) Garth "The Plumber" Creepy. Right off the bat, he's creepy. He's dressed creepily (in what appears to be a colorful Ed Hardy Leather Jacket), has creepy hair and he says creepy things. For example, "she shot me with that lazy eye and I was like, 'fuck, this bitch is fine as fuck up close.'" Stay classy, Garth.

5) Joe "The Trust Fund Baby" I don't mean to offend, but is he really there for Megan? Because he seems kind of... "flamboyant." If you know what I mean. Oh, and he has to pee.

6) Donald "The Producer" He too seems a little... "flamboyant" but he is also creepy. Like dirty old man creepy. He likes to use phrases like "banging body" and "smoking hottie." He kisses Lily, the dog. This is the only action that he'll get. At least I hope so.

7) Alex "The Swinger" Apparently he thinks he's wild.

8) James "The Baby" He's 25, so he's the baby. And he says hi to the dog.

9) Audi "Big Dog" His name is Audi, like the car. But he doesn't own an Audi, he owns a Cherokee. This guy's totally going to impress Megan.

10) Al "The Nervous Guy" He say hi, and walks in. That's it. Megan says, "that was weird."

11) Shurae (?) "The Punisher" This guy is too muscly for me, but I have a feeling that Megan is going to be impressed. Apparently people call him "the Punisher."

12) Sex Toy Dave (I'm not making this up) "Internet Entrepeneur" A little short, and kind of looks like that guy that pops up in Adam Sandler movies a lot. Also he sells Adult Products on the Internet.

13) Matt "The Pro-Wrestler" All we learn about him during his intro is that he's looking for a princess. (Some people need to be skipped over, this is only an hour long show!)

14) David "The World Traveler" He's from Dallas and wants to take Megan shopping! Yay! SHOPPING!

15) Corey "The Hot Shot" Apparently thinks Megan is the one for him, and hopes she's prepared for the next chapter of her life. NEXT!

16) Francisco "The Latin Lover" He's from Columbia and speaks Spanish. That's all we learn, so I guess he's the token Latino?

17 Ryan "The Smooth Operator" He's Canadian, but that doesn't mean he's not creepy. Because he is. He's creepy. He whispers to Megan "you're going to love Canadian bacon." Which I assume is code for, "you're gonna suck my dick and like it, bitch!"

So thems the guys. Off the bat, you can spot the winners and the losers (coughGarthcough). But just in case Megan has a hard time with that, she's got reinforcements!!!!!

It's Brandi C!!!

And this chick!!!! (Her name is Cecil, but I will continue to call her "this chick," because I don't fucking know her.)

They walk into the house to greet the "millionaires" together, and everyone's excited. Mainly Donald, who's got his eyes trained on Megan "like a LAZER!"

But enough of that, it's time for Megan to get to know her "millionaires" and to give them gifts! Yay! Highlights include a glittery piggy bank (which goes to Joe) and message oil (which goes to Nervous Al, and it's very important that we remember both gifts because they come back into play later). Also it turns out that The Punisher is a Millionaire Stripper! What?! Oh, and we get to see some of Garth's creepy faces. And Donald is "psychic" which means he can "mesmerize Megan into falling in love" with him.

Now it's time for the one on ones! Double yay! First up is Audi who creeps Megan out with his talk of "hump game" (?). Then David is talking about shopping. Again. You've gotta admit, he knows what she likes. Oh, and then Francisco takes off his shirt because he's intimidated by the Punisher or something. So then the Punisher takes his shirt off, and he's got a birthmark on his mid-section, which according to Megan looks like "a map of Cuba."

Here comes the funtimes, because Brandi and the other chick are trying to convince Al to massage Megan. Triple awkward yay! So Al's giving Megan a foot massage, and Garth tries to get in on it, but does not succeed. Oh well.

Al notices her tattoo and asks if she's double jointed (I'm not sure how those two things connect though.) Then Al does something ridiculous involving Megan's finger and his jaw (big old question mark there), and ends up spilling Megan's drink all over her. And boy is she upset. To quote Megan "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" She is PISSED! But the show must go on, so she cleans herself up and continues her party. Al asks for forgiveness, and Megan says she'll think about it, which I hope means no forgiveness for Nervous Al.

Then it's Shaun's turn, but as soon as it starts Donald asks for some alone time with Megan. The first thing Megan wants to know is if she could be in movies. He sets up a scene between Megan and James the Baby. James the Baby kisses Megan (which really upsets Donald), but it's apparently horrible (so nothing to worry about, Donald!). After this, Megan has a little chat with Sex Toy Dave about his worldwide sex toy business. Apparently he's the King of sex toys, and he wants Megan to be his queen.

Here's another great scene, where Brandi and the other chick ask James if he really has the money he's supposed to be getting. They ask him questions, and he proceeds to say to each question "no I don't, well basically I do, but I don't." For example, Brandi asks "do you live at home" and he says "No, well, yeah right now." Poor James. No money means no Megan.

Finally, Megan talks to Canadian Ryan, who seems to let on that he's using Megan for a Green Card. On the plus side, he tells Megan that if they get married there would be no pre-nup. Megan is obviously intrigued. You can tell from the gold tint the editors used.

So now off to the contestant interaction portion of the show. Donald and Joe are talking about movies, and Garth is being a creepy dick and making creepy faces and doing creepy voices. A bunch of dudes tell Garth to smash the glittery piggy bank, and Joe is very upset. Garth continues to be a creepy dick.

Well after that drama comes the elimination deliberation, in which Megan discusses with Brandi and the other chick what she should do. The ladies think Ryan is a "player" and they don't think that James is really good for the money.

Elimination time, and Donald makes an NSYNC reference, which proves that he's totally hip to our jive despite his advanced age. Megan is going to be giving out credit cards to her suitors, and say a cheesy line about credit. So first come the obvious people, Ryan, Corey, The Punisher, etc. Every time someone comes on down to the Price is Right (oh wait wrong show) Garth makes one of his creepy jerk-off faces. Megan makes a "baby" reference, which makes James think he will be picked, but it turns out it's Joe. But Megan wants to know where the glittery piggy bank is! Joe tells her about it, and although she seems a bit pissed, she still gives him a card. WTF Megan! You gave Garth a card! He better not make it passed week 3, or we are going to have to have a talk missy! And then Donald makes another pop culture circa 1999 reference, which is making him seem real young and cool. He's totally rad. Anyway, she eliminates James and Audi quickly, and narrows it down to Al and Donald. Donald is too much of a fan (code for, "eww, old man!") and Al is a drink spiller. And the eliminated man is....DONALD! She's just not that in to him. And then he quotes Lady Gaga. He's super hip. And Al gets his card, but he's got to watch himself.

So now that the first episode is over, here are my thoughts on the contestants:

Winners:

The Punisher and Ryan the Canadian are the only ones who stand out to me as possible winners.

Losers:

Garth has got to go. If he's not gone by next week, Megan will be making a big mistake.

The rest are kind of unremarkable. Alex doesn't seem too bad, neither does Shaun, but they did not get too much in the way of screen time.